Miss Universe National Costumes

Let the objectification begin! (/continue!)

Miss Albania, Xhesika Berberi

I hadn’t realized Prince of Persia was set in Albania.

Miss Angola, Leila Lopes

A blue christmas tree adorned with plastic dolphins. Interesting choice.

Miss Argentina, Natalie Rodriquez

You’re not going to convince me this dress wasn’t ruined by a producer backstage who said “whoah; way too much cleavage. Let’s just stuff a few feathers down there…”

Miss Aruba, Gillain Berry

“I don’t actually have the confidence to pull this off. Whatever.”

Miss Australia, Scherri-lee Biggs

Trying to come up with snarky comment that in no way mentions camels or their feet. Failing.

Miss Bahamas, Anastagia Pierre

I do have the confidence to pull of Miss Aruba’s outfit, but I was on a budget.

Miss Belgium, Justine De Jonckheere

This contest unfairly discriminates against countries with no character.

Miss Bolivia, Olivia Pinheiro

Is she trying to further emphasize those creepy eye things on either side of her head by squinting? Questionable strategy.

Miss Botswana, Larona Motlatsi Kgabo

I don’t know; it’s a shovel or something. Let’s just say this costume doesn’t conjure the care-free self-indulgence of some of the other costumes.

Miss Brazil, Priscila Machado

I’m not even going to pretend those aren’t stripper boots.

Miss British Virgin Islands, Sheroma Hodge

Least functional hat ever.

Miss Canada, Chelsae Durocher

I like the headdress, but the gown looks suspiciously like it was made from 80s-era Star Wars footie pajamas.

Miss Cayman Islands, Cristin Alexander

The outfit does a good job of delaying the realization that this contestant is about as a attractive as the average woman at an upscale suburban supermarket.

Miss Chile, Vanessa Ceruti

Oh, mad props to Vanessa, who is definitely my favorite so far. She heard “National Costume” and decided “Halloween” is close enough. “Sexy trapped Chilean miner” is a solid costume choice.

Miss China, Luo Zilin

“I’m got a rockin’ bod under here. Really. Trust me.”

Miss Colombia, Catalina Robayo

I’m starting to suspect that each contestant was forced to use exactly the same amount of fabric, so if they wanted to be naked they needed to find something else to do with the material.

Miss Costa Rica, Johanna Solano

Some contestants go for care-free, others go for “I will chain you to an altar, slice you open, and eat your heart.” Yes this thought turns me on. A lot.

Miss Croatia, Natalija Prica

Miss Croatia is apparently hoping that most of the judges are pedophiles.

Miss Curacao, Eva Van Putten

Does she know she’s being graded on this?

Miss Cyprus, Andriani Karantoni

There are a few Disney auditions thrown in every year. B-.

Miss Czech Republic, Jitka Novackova

“If you make me angry, I turn green and it fits!”

Miss Denmark, Sandra Amer

Cleavage is make-or-break in a Disney audition. A-.

Miss Dominican Republic, Dalia Fernandez

It’s like she’s a mermaid, except dressed in a stupid outfit!

Miss Ecuador, Claudia Schiess

I didn’t realize that “plastic-man arms” was a real fetish, but I think I have it.

Miss Egypt, Sara El Khouly

Interesting cross between Cleopatra and Beethoven.

Miss El Salvador, Mayra Aldana

“The next person to offer to help me find my sheep gets punched in the balls.”

Miss Estonia, Madli Vilsar

“National costumes? Fuck that. I’m hot. Buy me something pretty.”

Miss Finland, Pia Pakarinen

“I’m hot too, but I’ll at least make a gesture. They’re kind of like fins, right? As in Finland?”

Miss France, Laury Thilleman

Is she really bribing the judges with cupcakes?

Miss Georgia, Eka Gurtskaia

Once you convince yourself there’s an army of midgets under there waiting to swarm the stage, you can’t stop thinking about it. Let’s move on.

Miss Germany, Valeria Bystritskaia

She got a tip from Miss Croatia about the pedophile judges.

Miss Ghana, Erica Nego

Another victim of the fabric quota system.

Miss Great Britain, Chloe-Beth Morgan

Listen, the fabric thing was a joke. If you want to wear a miniskirt, then just wear it. This is getting ridiculous.

Miss Greece, Iliana Papageorgiou

“Austerity measures meant I got nothing but a sheet. But we all know I won this round anyway. I respect Miss Curacao for not even trying to beat me.”

Miss Guam, Shayna Jo Afaisen

Late in the design stage, it became clear that the “Guam” message had been somewhat diluted by the commitment to mermaid authenticity. Solution? A sign.

Miss Guatemala, Alejandra Barillas

“Is the pirate craze still going on, or am I five years late?”

Miss Guyana, Kara Lord

“Yeah, sticks coming out of my neck and a coiled snake on my head. Why are you looking at me like that?”

Miss Haiti, Anedie Azael

“My mother made it for me. The dress has handles, see?”

Miss Honduras, Keilyn Gomez

The fabric quota has been lifted! Thank god!

Miss Hungary, Betta Lipcsei

Purple vampire bunny outfit. Classic.

Miss India, Vasuki Sunkavalli

Apparently Miss India’s costume didn’t make it through customs to Brazil. Let’s just assume that she was going to wear a leather bikini and stripper boots, give her an A, and move on.

Miss Indonesia, Nadine Alexandra

I actually really like this. Got to start rationing the snark.

Miss Ireland, Aoife Hannon

I was sure the national costume of Ireland included a thick woolen sweater…

Miss Israel, Kim Edry

“Our national costume is a set of army fatigues, so I just decided to do a second eveningwear round.”

Miss Italy, Elisa Torrini

“This way I can spill tomato sauce on myself and nobody will know.”

Miss Jamaica, Shakira Martin

“It looks a lot better if you’re high. But doesn’t everything?”

Miss Japan, Maria Kamiyama

“I’m a geisha, but I’ll still cut you! [giggle]”

Miss Kazakhstan, Valeriya Aleinikova

This is just close enough to a nun’s habit that I refuse to find it sexy. And I find everything sexy.

Miss Korea, Sora Chong

You know how on diorama day at school there was always that one kid who showed up not realizing the project was due, and he had to throw something together from whatever all the other students could spare from their dioramas? Plan ahead next time, Sora.

Miss Kosovo, Aferdita Dreshaj

This must be a trick of the light, because I know no Miss Universe contestant would wear shorts. This is a sad day for pageantry.

Miss Lebanon, Yara El Khoury-Mikhael

Someone said something stupid and got sent to the corner…

Miss Malaysia, Deborah Henry

Hey Deborah, could you get that book from the top shelf? Just reach way up there. Yeah, just like that…

Miss Mauritius, Laetitia Darche

She knows nobody knows shit about Mauritius. We’ll take her word that that’s their national costume. Moving on.

Miss Mexico, Karin Ontiveros

What’s sexier than a giant skull? Nothing, that’s what.

Miss Montenegro, Nikolina Loncar

“Well if Miss Greece is going to win, then this should get me second, right? No? Oh.”

Miss Netherlands, Kelly Weekers

A lot of girls would actually wear that crown. I respect Kelly for knowing her place as a servant and sticking with the toy boat as headgear.

Miss New Zealand, Priyani Puketapu

“Blankets for sale! Ten dollars each! Blankets for sale!”

Miss Nicaragua, Adriana Dorn

We’re blurring the line between hat-wearing and hobbling at this point.

Miss Nigeria, Sophie Gemal

Is the Nigerian national costume really “Twizzlers”?

Miss Panama, Sheldry Saez

The gray feathers look too much like Doctor Octopus’s adamantium arms for me to offer any fashion commentary. Let’s just say that if Spider-man wants to get from the Atlantic to the Pacific he should take the long way around.

Miss Paraguay, Alba Riquelme

Fail on cleavage. Fail on shoes. Fail on sexy shoulders. Alba is not winning this contest; that’s for damn sure.

Miss Peru, Natalie Vertiz

Excellent combination of skin, cheap souvenir art, and weaponry.

Miss Philippines, Shamcey Supsup

It’s like a poorly-dressed princess decided to frolic in a pile of autumn leaves.

Miss Poland, Rozalia Mancewicz

Another Disney contestant. Hard to judge the cleavage from this angle, but I’ll be generous and offer a solid B.

Miss Portugal, Laura Goncalves

“We all know Miss Greece is going to win, so I just threw on something colorful from my closet.”

Miss Puerto Rico, Viviana Ortiz

An awesome body and terrible taste. You’re looking at Rob’s target dating demographic.

Miss Romania, Larisa Popa

Is she trying to dress like both a vampire and his bloody virgin victim?

Miss Russia, Natalia Gantimurova

I like to imagine that she’s naked under that hat.

Miss Serbia, Anja Saranovic

Serbia gained independence in 2006, so witness the exotic fashion stylings of the mid-oughts! Good to see that in their five years they’ve managed to come up with a couple of logos and a flag, though. Five or six centuries and this is going to be a really good look.

Miss Singapore, Valerie Shu Xian Lim

Anyone else get the feeling that we caught her halfway through a magic trick, and she’s about to step aside to reveal that the assistant who just stepped behind her is now gone?

Miss Slovak Republic, Dagmar Kolesarova

She got everything at Primark for under £20. She’s totally ready for the “national costumes” bop. (Apologies to all the non-Oxonions who have no idea what I just said.)

Miss Slovenia, Ema Jagodic

“I’m hot. That’s all that matters.”

Miss South Africa, Bokang Montjane

“You may be hot, but I know what I’m doing. Judges: vote for me and I will rock your worlds.”

Miss Spain, Paula Guillo

“I’m too good for pageants, and I refuse to be gawked at. How the hell did I get here?”

Miss Sri Lanka, Stephanie Siriwardhana

In mourning apparently.

Miss St. Lucia, Joy-Ann Biscette

“I was expecting the wings to be bigger. Whatever.”

Miss Sweden, Ronnia Fornstedt

“The backstage producer made me put on underwear. What a bitch.”

Miss Switzerland, Kerstin Cook

She was planning on entering the Disney category, but after seeing Miss Sweden she grabbed a pair of scissors and spiced it up a little.

Miss Tanzania, Nelly Kamwelu

Who says national costumes have to be about the past? This will totally be the national costume of Tanzania in the year 2782, when swords and sorcery rule the earth.

Miss Thailand, Chanyasorn Sakornchan

The costume is all well and good, but let me just interject here with a more general statement on fashion: pantyhose are awful. Just a terrible, terrible invention. Stockings? Yes. But pantyhose are an affront to all that is right and good about women’s fashion. Thank you for your attention.

Miss Trinidad & Tobago, Gabrielle Walcott

Gabrielle is the clear winner of this year’s “mostly naked with a feather or fabric background” contest. Thanks for playing, rest of South America and the Caribbean.

Miss Turkey, Melisa Asli Pamuk

Another Disney princess with a pair of scissors.

Miss Turks & Caicos, Easher Parker

That country is made up. No wonder she got her outfit out of a dumpster.

Miss U.S. Virgin Islands, Alexandrya Evans

And this year’s loser of the “mostly naked with a feather or fabric background” contest. Failure from the knees up.

Miss Ukraine, Olesia Stefanko

If I want a girl with turnips hanging from her belt, I’ll give you a call, Olesia. But don’t wait by the phone.

Miss Uruguay, Fernanda Semino

Did we catch her adjusting her codpiece?

Miss USA, Alyssa Campanella

Sexy Napoleon! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Miss Venezuela, Vanessa Goncalves

The dragon theme is compelling but not overdone; the hat is indulgent but not ridiculous or distracting; the body is smoking. Winner of the “random mythical creature” costume contest…unless Miss Greece’s goddess outfit counts.

Miss Vietnam, Hoang My Vu

I’d like to ring her gong, if you know what I mean. No; seriously—I used to be a percussionist and I enjoy ringing gongs. But after that some sex with Miss My Vu would be nice, too.